Pirates by Linda Lael Miller *
The bad writing is the only thing that makes this worth anything at all
Why would that be? Because the book provides wonderfully terrible quotes for the blog my husband and I write (Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Quotes) . Otherwise, this book is little more than a waste of paper. Seriously, am I the *only* one who sees this for what it is: A TSTL (too stupid to live) heroine, a weepy hero, and some really bad "contemporary" references?
I bought this book used (thank goodness!) at a thrift store, and though it seemed familiar, I figured it was because it was a fairly common plot. Once I started reading it, however, I realized that I'd read it before, many years ago. It says a lot that I tried so desperately to put it from my mind. I had only picked it up this time because I heard so frequently that this was a great author and that I really must read her. Well, hoo-boy, I've given her a chance, and now I must suffer the consequences.
Phoebe Turlow is a woman from the very "advanced" and "technological" time of 1996. She's orphaned. She's divorced. Even her dog leaves her. She lost her job. Life is terrible (ie there's nothing "for her" in her own time). So what do you do then?? Naturally you'd take a "free" vacation to look at some condos, right? I know that's what I would do. On Paradise Island (which is part of the US, "rather like Puerto Rico" according to the book) she takes an elevator and for some reason is transported back in time. To 1780, the time of the legendary "pirate patriot" Duncan Roarke. Duncan is a wanted man, a traitor to the crown for fighting with the colonies against the British Monarchy. He's from a plantation (though they didn't own slaves, of course), but his family are Tories, so he is on the outs with them.
Duncan's the tough as nails pirate. Take no prisoners and all that. Except that Phoebe and her psychobabble are enough to bring him to tears. On *several* occasions. Look, I like a sensitive man as much as the next, but given how weepy Phoebe was it seems a darn shame that Duncan was not far behind her.
Naturally there's "Old Woman" who knows magic and knew Phoebe was coming and knew to have clothes ready for her, and knows what Phoebe's first child will be named. But doesn't, of course, think to warn her about things that get people seriously hurt and/or killed. You're not supposed to say Old Woman's name (makes "big magic" happen) -- but naturally she tells Phoebe. The person who can't, for the life of her, keep her mouth shut, even when it means people might die because of it, including Duncan (and his family!).
I swear, Phoebe is THE worst heroine ever. She is weepy, obnoxious, whiny, and full of psychobabble and stupid "Americanisms". She references Kathy Lee Gifford! Does the author really believe that things like that have enough lasting power to hold up? The Kathy Lee reference didn't make it 5 years, let alone 15 or more.
Aside from all of the problems with the characters, the writing leaves much to be desired. MUCH to be desired. Not just for the horrible quotes. Here are *some* I'll tell you, though...
"Then he bent to her, as though he were thirsty and she were a cool, pure spring." Okay, couldn't just say he bent to her? "Duncan rose, beaming as if he'd just plucked a thistle from the paw of a lioness, and perhaps he had." Couldn't just say that he was smiling? Have to give it some strange parallel? "You are so beautiful, like a statue carved to celebrate some sensuous deity." Do we have a lack of adjectives that everything must be some weird and random description? "I'm rotting, from the soul out, like a piece of fruit fallen from the branch." Fruit have souls? "But one small woman held his heart, his very being, in her hands, and had the power to crush him like a clod of dry dirt." or "Duncan was as uncommunicative as ever, gone all day and hammering at the harpsichord half the night, like Zeus flinging thrunderbolts from his fingertips." or "Duncan lowered his sword in time to turn and see the Francesca tumbling beneath the water's surface like a whale turning up its belly." These sentences would be *much* better without the desperate attempts at metaphors. And trust me when I say these are much less interesting than others -- but I'm saving the others.
Someone must teach this author restraint. To restrain her impulse to make everything into a metaphor. To resist the impulse to make every aspect of the story read like a soap opera. The strength to back away when she's getting ready to add one more "contemporary" reference. Restraint in almost everything, to be honest.
I am unable to comprehend how this could receive such high ratings. Were people REALLY reading the same book I was? Or were they reading something completely different and better? If so, can I get that book instead?
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